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Bookmakers Not On Gamstop

Bookmakers Not On Gamstop

Bookmakers Not on GamStop:>https://gamstopbookmakers.com
The bookmakers on this site are not licensed by the UK Gambling Commission, therefore they are not obligated to operate by the strict UK government guidelines. Instead, they are regulated by the gambling authorities like MGA (Malta Gambling Authority) or the Isle of Man Gambling Supervision Commission.
So what does this mean?
Bookmakers not on Gamstop can offer great offers and bonuses to play on their sites as they do not come under the strict rules of the UK Gambling Commission. These bonuses can be very attractive and rewarding, such as no deposit offers or lucrative matched deposits. Many UK players enjoy the freedom and high bonuses bookmakers not on Gamstop have to offer for joining their site.
The Top 6
Here we have hand picked the top 6 casinos not on Gamstop. Theses casinos have been calculated on the following:

Bookmakers Not on GamStop:> https://gamstopbookmakers.com
What is GamStop?
Gamstop is a self-exclusion scheme introduced in April 2020 by the UK government that allows players to block themselves from any gambling activity. Due to the pressures placed on UK bookmakers by the UK Gambling Commission, they are restricted to what bonuses they can offer new customers.
Since bookmakers in the UK cannot operate unless licensed by the UK Gambling Commission, this will have a huge impact on the gambling industry. Gamstop was originally created so that players could take control of their gambling habits.
Once you have signed up to Gamstop and excluded yourself from gambling activity, the gambling companies you are registered to will automatically be notified and then close all accounts related to your name and prevent you from signing back in. Furthermore, as of April 2020, the UK Gambling Commission have places restrictions on players depositing on credit cards, an setting deposit limit amounts which cannot be exceeded in a specific time frame.
Due to the pressures placed on UK gambling companies by the UK Gambling Commission, this has had a significant affect on what offers and bonuses the gambling companies can now offer. The gambling industry has taken a devastating affect on enticing more customers to play on their sites.
Gambling companies under the UK Gambling Commission such as; WilliamHill, Coral, Betway, to name a few are restricted to offer new customers no deposit offers or attractive bonuses to join their sites.
Benefits of Bookmakers Not on GamStop
Bookmakers not on Gamstop are not licensed by the UK Gambling Commission, therefore they are not obligated to operate by the strict UK government guidelines. Instead, they are regulated by the gambling authorities like MGA (Malta Gambling Authority) or the Isle of Man Gambling Supervision Commission.
So what does this mean?
Bookmakers not on Gamstop can offer great offers and bonuses to play on their sites as they do not come under the strict rules of the UK Gambling Commission. These bonuses can be very attractive and rewarding, such as no deposit offers or lucrative matched deposits. Many UK players enjoy the freedom and high bonuses bookmakers not on Gamstop have to offer for joining their site.
For more information visit:> https://gamstopbookmakers.com



































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Bookmakers Not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES)

Bookmakers Not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES):>
https://bookmakersnotongamstop.co.uk
What is Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES)?
Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES) is a self-exclusion scheme introduced in April 2020 by the UK government that allows players to block themselves from any gambling activity. Due to the pressures placed on UK bookmakers by the UK Gambling Commission, they are restricted to what bonuses they can offer new customers.
Since bookmakers in the UK cannot operate unless licensed by the UK Gambling Commission, this will have a huge impact on the gambling industry. Gamstop was originally created so that players could take control of their gambling habits.
Once you have signed up to the Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES) and excluded yourself from gambling activity, the gambling companies you are registered to will automatically be notified and then close all accounts related to your name and prevent you from signing back in. Furthermore, as of April 2020, the UK Gambling Commission have places restrictions on players depositing on credit cards, an setting deposit limit amounts which cannot be exceeded in a specific time frame.
Due to the pressures placed on UK gambling companies by the UK Gambling Commission, this has had a significant affect on what offers and bonuses the gambling companies can now offer. The gambling industry has taken a devastating affect on enticing more customers to play on their sites.
Gambling companies under the UK Gambling Commission such as; WilliamHill, Coral, Betway, to name a few are restricted to offer new customers no deposit offers or attractive bonuses to join their sites.
Benefits of Bookmakers Not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES)
Bookmakers not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES) are not licensed by the UK Gambling Commission, therefore they are not obligated to operate by the strict UK government guidelines. Instead, they are regulated by the gambling authorities like MGA (Malta Gambling Authority) or the Isle of Man Gambling Supervision Commission.
So what does this mean?
Bookmakers not on Multi-Operator Self Exclusion Scheme (MOSES) can offer great offers and bonuses to play on their sites as they do not come under the strict rules of the UK Gambling Commission. These bonuses can be very attractive and rewarding, such as no deposit offers or lucrative matched deposits. Many UK players enjoy the freedom and high bonuses bookmakers not on Gamstop have to offer for joining their site.
For more information visit:> https://bookmakersnotongamstop.co.uk



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submitted by creditcardbet to u/creditcardbet [link] [comments]

I have been a matched betting enthusiast for years and now I am teaching it for free to everyone.

Hey beermoneyukers!
After years working in my 9-5 job as a website developer for a large corporation I decided I could not face selling my soul any longer lols and packed in my job.
Since then, I had a stint working as a freelancer whilst also making a healthy side income via matched betting. And over the past 9 months I’ve been building a website that teaches people how to do the same.
There are a lot of websites out there that teach matched betting, but most require a monthly subscription and most have long articles that can be a bit dry and hard to follow.
So instead, I built a website, Team Profit, that:
  Is completely free
  Uses animated video guides to teach people (link)
  Has infographics to accompany all video guides
  Provides step by step guides for 25+ bookmaker offer which will make you £600+ risk free (link)
I have amended the video script over 50 times to try to make it as concise and helpful as possible, hopefully they are a good watch!
Any feedback on the videos, guides, blog or anything else, please let me know, I spend every day adding new content and improving existing content.
If you are thinking of learning matched betting and making £600+ risk free, please check it out!
www.teamprofit.com
 
MEGA FAQs GUIDE TO MATCHED BETTING
 
The video guides I posted above will teach you everything about matched betting.
However, I figure no harm in me writing down everything I know about matched betting in an FAQ style layout. Hopefully this will be useful to you.
I have tried to answer every question as concise as possible / no rambling :D
I have split the FAQs into the following sections:
 
INTRODUCTION
1) What exactly is matched betting and how I do make money risk free?
2) How popular is matched betting?
3) Does it involve gambling?
4) How much money will I need to start?
5) How much time will it take me to learn matched betting?
 
OFFERS & YOUR PROFIT
1) How much money can I make matched betting from the welcome offers (new customer only)?
2) How much is a free bet worth in actual cash profit?
3) After I have finished the Welcome Offers, how much money can I make matched betting each month from Daily Offers (existing customer offers)?
4) What type of Daily Offers are available?
 
BOOKMAKERS AND BETTING EXCHANGES
1) Which bookmakers have the best welcome offers?
2) Which bookmakers have the best offers for existing customers?
3) What is mug betting?
4) What is a betting exchange?
5) How do we use a betting exchange?
 
ADDRESSING COMMON CONCERNS
1) How sustainable is matched betting?
2) Will it impact my credit rating?
3) Do the bookmakers have terms to stop customers from withdrawing?
4) Do I need to know about sports?
 
WHICH WEBSITES TEACH MATCHED BETTING - YOUR OPTIONS
1) Where can you learn matched betting?
 
ADDITIONAL FAQS
1) Depositing and withdrawing
2) Sending identification documents
Any questions that haven’t been answered please add a comment and I’ll add the FAQ and answer.
 
INTRODUCTION
 
1) What exactly is matched betting and how I do make money risk free?
There are more than 25 online bookmakers in the UK. In order to attract new customers, they each offer free bets, known as ‘Welcome Offers’.
In total they offer over £800 in free bets to new customers.
In order to receive the free bet, bookmakers require you to place your first bet. An example offer is ‘Bet £5, Get £20 free bet’.
The risk is that you could lose both the £5 bet (your own cash) and the £20 free bet.
By using a technique called matched betting, we remove this risk.
This is because we match our first £5 bet on the bookmaker with a £5 bet on a betting exchange on the opposite outcome (this is known as a ‘lay bet’).
For example, we bet £5 on Man Utd to win on the bookmaker, and £5 on Man Utd not to win on the betting exchange.
As we have now bet on all outcomes, regardless of whether Man Utd win, draw or lose, we will neither win nor lose money. However, we have received the £20 free bet!
With the £20 free bet, we can now repeat this process by betting on say Liverpool to win on the bookmaker and Liverpool not to win.
This time, because we are using a £20 free bet but our winnings are paid out in cash, we will always make a profit.
We repeat this process for 25+ bookmakers, one by one. In total we can convert the £800+ in free bets to over £600+ in actual cash profit, in very little time at all.
 
2) How popular is matched betting?
Matched betting isn’t new and has been around since at least 2005.
However, it is only since 2015 that it has really increased in popularity due to the rise of websites teaching matched betting. You can see this trend here: Google Trends Link
By looking at the various matched betting sites popularity, a reasonable estimate is at least 25,000 people in the UK are matched betters. You can see a review of sites that teach matched betting in the ‘Which websites teach matched betting?’ section below.
 
3) Does it involving gambling?
This is the most common assumption with matched betting. You’d be forgiven for thinking that it did involve gambling simply because the name ‘matched betting’ would suggest it did.
However, matched betting does not involve gambling, you will never be risking a penny.
Because we are always covering the opposite outcome occurring, there is never any risk we will lose money. Furthermore, we still receive the free bets which we will where we make our profit.
The profitability and risk free nature of matched betting has been reviewed in the Daily Telegraph and the Guardian
 
4) How much will I need to start?
You can start with as little as you want, however the lowest I would recommend starting with would be £25.
With £25, you can start your first bookmaker welcome offer and make a deposit into your first betting exchange, meaning you can start making a profit.
For more details, see this Starting with £25 guide.
The downside, with only £25 you are restricted by having to wait for withdrawals before you can move onto the next offer.
Therefore, I would say an optimal amount to have available for your cash flow would be in the region of £200 as this allows you to complete multiple welcome offers simultaneously.
 
5) How long will it take me to learn matched betting?
To learn the principles of matched betting, it will take up to 20 minutes.
To become familiar with completing your first offer, I would set aside another 30-60 minutes so you can take your time and ensure you are completing it correctly.
For example, the video guides on Team Profit last a total of 21 minutes (8 minutes for the explainers videos and 13 minutes to watch the step-by-step real time example). Although they last just 21 minutes, some users watch certain parts of the video again to become comfortable with the process.
It is very much recommended to avoid trying to learn matched betting by yourself. There are thousands of experienced matched betters who can help you. For more details on this, see the ‘Which Websites Teach Matched Betting’ section.
If you need any help anytime, please do comment in this Reddit thread and I’ll help you out.
 
OFFERS
 
1)How much money can I make matched betting from the welcome offers (new customer only)?
From the welcome offer, you can make approximately £1,000 cash profit.
There are 25+ bookmaker offers available on sports for at least £600 profit. These are relatively straightforward offers and good value in terms of time to complete. It would take around 12 hours to complete these offers, which works around £40 / hour tax free. You can complete them over any time period you like.
There are at least another 5 bookmaker offers, such as Bet365 and BetVictor, though these require more time, you could make around £100 to £200. They require more time because the bookmaker requires you to bet many more times before you can withdraw.
Plus 20+ offers across casino and bingo, though some are not risk free and typically take more time to complete, but you should be able to make at least £200 profit from these offers.
So overall, there is an easy £600 profit risk free, then up to another £400 if it’s worth your time to do them.
 
2) How much is a free bet worth in actual cash profit?
A £10 free bet is worth between £5 to £8 in actual cash profit.
The reason for the range is because the higher odds you choose for your free bet, the more actual cash profit you will make.
For example, if you bet on a football team with odds of 2.0, the £10 free bet will convert to around £5 cash profit. Whereas if you bet on a football team that is unlikely to win, with odds of say 6.0, the £10 free bet will convert to around £8 cash profit.
Note though, the higher odds you choose, the more you will need in your betting exchange account in case the bet wins. For a detailed explanation with examples, read this free bet profit article.
 
3) After I have finished the Welcome Offers, how much money can I make matched betting each month (from existing customer offers)?
Anywhere from £100 to £1,000+ per month.
Bookmakers continue to run free bet offers to retain their customers, I refer to these as Daily Offers.
Daily Offers are typically less valuable than the welcome offers but still worth completing.
For example, rather than ‘Bet £5 Get £20’ that they offer to new customers, they may instead run ‘Bet £20 Get £10’ and on a particular football match.
I would say for people with a day job, aiming for between £300 to £500 a month is realistic. In terms of time required, for every hour you spend, you should make around £30 tax free.
So to make £300 a month, expect to spend around 2-3 hours a week. I’d say to earn more than this, you will likely need to accept a lower hourly rate and do some of the low value offers too.
If you are looking to make £1,000+, I’d expect you would have to be near full time and also be fortunate to keep your enough of your bookmaker accounts open for 12+ month period (what is mugging bet FAQ below).
 
4) What type of offers are available for existing customers?
 
Easy offers:
The most common easy offer on football matches is Bet £20 Get £10 free bet. Many bookmakers run this offer, though it will usually be on a particular football match.
The most common easy offer on horse racing is usually on SkyBet, who will run simple offers such as ‘Get £25 free bet if your horse comes 2nd or 3rd’.
There are also easy casino offers, such as ‘£5 risk free’, where you spin on slots and hope to win, if you don’t they’ll refund up to £5 of losses.
These offers can make you up to £300 per month (or £500 on a good month with European football) and are easy for those with a day job.
 
Harder offers:
If you are looking to make more than £300 to £500 a month, then you will need to spend time on Saturday’s completing horse racing offers on Channel 4 racing and during the week too, though Saturday’s are the most profitable.
Plus you will need to do more advanced offers such as football accumulator refunds, each way offers, though I will leave these aside given they could have their own separate thread :p
If you’d like to understand where you can learn more about these offers, see ‘Which sites teach matched betting?’ FAQ below.
 
BOOKMAKERS AND BETTING EXCHANGE
 
1) Which bookmakers have the best welcome offers?
 
There are 3 formats of bookmakers welcome offers.
 
‘Bet £X Get £Y free bet’ - these are the most straightforward. Simply place your first bet and receive a free bet.
This format of welcome offer, ranging from Bet £5 Get £20 to Bet £50 Get £50, is available on Coral, SkyBet, BetBright, Betfred, Paddy Power, BetStars, William Hill, Stan James, Betway, Ladbrokes, TitanBet, 32Red and MarathonBet.
 
‘Refunds’ (also known as Risk Free offers) - these are similar to Bet £X Get £Y free bet. The only difference is you only receive your free bet if your first bet loses, hence I refer to these offers are refund offers.
This format of welcome offer is, ranging from £10 to £50 refunds, is available on Bwin, Dafabet, UniBet, Totesport, 188Bet, SuperLenny, Genting and 888Sport.
 
‘Multi Bets’ - these welcome offers require multiple bets to be placed before receiving your reward. It can take form of a bonus which requires to bet £X amount until you can withdraw any winnings, or the form of a cash reward once you have bet £X amount.
This format of welcome offer is available on Bet365, BetVictor and some other bookmakers, however they often require such a large amount of betting that I haven’t included them in this list.
The quickest to complete are the Bet £X Get £Y due to their simplicity, then the next best are the ‘Refunds’ offers.
The Multi Bet offers can be very valuable (e.g. Bet£365’s offer is worth over £150 profit risk free) but can also require much larger deposits in order to place the bookmaker bets and lay these bets in your Exchange.
 
For details of each bookmaker offer, see this Welcome Offer List & Guides
 
2) Which bookmakers have the best offers for existing customers?
 
Bookmakers vary in their level of generosity to existing customers. This is a little subjective, but in my opinion, this is the ranking of bookmakers for existing customers:
 
Best: Bet365
Bet365 run a £50 Risk Free offer most months (sometimes twice a month during popular football months) which is worth £35. It is very quick to complete (less than 10 minutes) so for £35 to £70, or around £500 a year, it is a great offer.
Plus they have one of the best horse racing offers, up to a £50 risk free bet if your pick a winning horse with high odds. This is a profitable offer worth around £20-£30 a week, or up to £1,000 to £1,500 a year.
 
Second Best: SkyBet
SkyBet run regular £5 to £25 free bet offers on horse racing and football, plus regular £5 risk free offers in SkyVegas.
 
Third & Fourth Best: Coral and Paddy Power
Both these sites run regular horse racing, price boosts and football offers (Bet £20 Get £10 in particular), at least £20 to to be made on every week from these two sites.
 
Good: William Hill, Ladbrokes, BetStars, Stan James, Betway, Bwin, Betfred, Totesport, 188Bet, 888, BetVictor
All these bookmakers run offer(s) each week so it’s worth ensuring you have completed the welcome offer for each of these sites so you can take advantage of their daily offers for existing customers.
 
3) What is mug betting?
If you are only ever betting when you receive an offer, the bookmaker will no longer allow your account to receive free bet offers (this is known as being ‘gubbed’).
To get around this, you should place ‘mug’ bets. ‘Mug’ bets are simply bets that a ‘mug’ punter would place. Mug bets include £1 accumulators (betting on several teams to win) and betting on favourites without an offer.
Most advice suggests that for every offer you receive, you should place 2-3 mug bets.
If you are gubbed, it does kinda suck when you receive the email, as you can no longer profit from the bookmaker’s offers.
It is also becoming increasingly common as bookmakers are noticing more suspected matched bettors, due to its increasing popularity. My advice is to make money whilst you can and take sensible precautions to try to keep your account active.
For more details, see this Mug Betting article
 
4) What is a betting exchange?
A betting exchange is a marketplace for customers to bet between each other on the outcome of particular events. This differs from a traditional bookmaker because an exchange also gives you the ability to be the bookmaker yourself and take bets from other exchange users.
Standard bookmakers generate profit by offering odds that are in their favour. Betting exchanges explained in terms of how they generate revenue is they charge a commission on any winnings a player receives.
The two market leading betting exchanges are, Betfair and Smarkets.
For more details, Betting Exchanges Comparison.
 
5) How we use betting exchanges?
When matched betting, a betting exchange is used to place our lay bets (the opposite bet to our trigger bet). So when we place the trigger bet with the bookmaker on one outcome to release the initial free bet, we must also cover the opposite outcome so that if the bookmaker bet does lose we still win on the lay bet - making it risk free!
Similarly when we are placing the free bet bet with the bookmaker we then lay off that bet using the exchange and because we’re using a free bet but being paid out in cash, this is how we turn free bets into withdrawable cash.
We only ever use betting exchanges for lay bets.
 
ADDRESSING COMMON CONCERNS
 
1) How sustainable is matched betting?
Matched betting over the past 6-9 months has become harder. Most bookmakers have realised they are thousands of matched betters taking advantage of their offers and so have either reduced the generosity of their offers or have made the daily offers more complicated.
However, there is still intense competition between the bookmakers, meaning they will always run special offers to an extent.
By spending a few hours a week, you can still make £300 to £500 a month, whereas in past year(s) this figure could have been £500 to £800.
The biggest issue matched betters face is being ‘gubbed’. As explained in the mug betting FAQ, this is when a bookmaker restricts you from receiving free bets and bonuses.
There are various theories as to how a particular bookmaker decides to to gub a customer. Reasons include taking up too many offers, winning a high % of bets, withdrawing regularly, placing bets far in advance or at irregular times.
The truth is nobody really knows precisely why people gubbed. However, you can expect to get gubbed at some point from a particular bookmaker, it may be 2 months, it may be 2 years, it is hard to know.
I really think though that everyone can make up to £1,000 from the Welcome Offers and at least £300 to £500 a month without any problems. I think the issues comes when you are making £1,000+ every month which sooner or later bookmakers will catch up that you are taking up a lot of offers.
Having said this, some people say they have been making £1,000+ every month for years, so maybe it is possible if you are using a wide variety of bookmakers and consistently placing mug bets.
 
2) Will it impact my credit rating?
Having betting activity on your bank statement does not impact your credit rating.
The only thing to be wary of when making betting deposits and withdrawals is that it can affect your application for a mortgage. So if you’re planning on applying for a mortgage in the near future then I’d recommend using a separate bank account to that which you’ll be applying for the mortgage with.
 
3) Do the bookmakers have terms to stop customers from withdrawing?
The vast majority of welcome offers do not have any withdrawal restrictions.
A handful of welcome offers do but this will be state in the terms and conditions. It is much easier though to use a matched betting website as they will clearly highlight the key terms of each offer (see ‘Which websites teach matched betting’ section below).
Casino offers will almost always have withdrawal restrictions, however for the matched betting welcome offers we are focusing on sports betting.
 
4) Do I need to know about sports?
Not at all! You do not need a sports background or have any sort of betting knowledge, many matched betters do not know anything about sport or betting before learning matched betting.
You may learn matched betting a little faster if you have sports betting experience but it really isn't important at all.
 
WHICH WEBSITE TEACH MATCHED BETTING - YOUR OPTIONS
 
There are 30+ websites that three key stages to matched betting:
Stage 1) Learning matched betting
Stage 2) Completing the Welcome Offers (for new customers)
Stage 3) Profiting in the long term from Daily Offers (for existing customers)
Below I have tried to cover the main sites that will help you with each of these stages.
 
In summary, I may be biased :p but I think the:
Stage 1) and Stage 2) best approach is to use TeamProfit.com
Stage 3) Join a paid membership site, either OddsMonkey.com, ProfitAccumulator.co.uk or ProfitMaximiser.co.uk to continue to make money from the Daily Offers.
 
FREE SITES:
 
TeamProfit.com (link)
I really believe Team Profit is the best site to learn matched betting and complete the welcome offers, but compare us to the other sites and see what you think!
Learn matched betting with animated videos (link)
25+ Welcome Offers using the step by step guides (link)
A free Facebook group to provide help to you anytime you need (link).
 
MoneySavingExpert.com (link)
The advantage of MoneySavingExpert is the sheer volume of content, covering all aspects of matched betting.
The disadvantage of MoneySavingExpert it is not well structured as it is just one forum with a long lists of posts so it takes quite a while to find relevant threads and miss key information.
 
MatchedBettingBlog.com (link)
The advantage of MatchedBettingBlog is the clear layout of the daily offers posted each day for with step by step instructions. It’s a good site to check to avoid missing the best and easier daily offers. The forum community also helps to post additional offers on top of those listed on the homepage, and also provides general advice on completing daily offers.
The disadvantage of MatchedBettingBlog is it is relatively limited in terms of teaching matched betting and does not provide a clear list of welcome offers. Also, for those looking to make £500+ every month, it doesn’t provide any software to help with the more advanced types of matched betting with daily offers, such as horse racing refunds and accumulator refunds, that the paid member sites offer.
Additional free matched betting sites include:
Matchedbettingfree.co.uk (link) (Reddit thread link)
Freebets4all.com (link)
 
PAID SITES:
 
Paid sites usually charge £15 to £25 a month.
In return, they will teach matched betting, provide list of welcome offers and provide daily offers too. Additionally, most paid sites will also provide software that helps to make you more money plus save you time.
 
OddsMonkey.com (link | non)
OddsMonkey charge £15 per month or £150 per year.
They are the most well known provider of matched betting software. Earlier this year, they added the full range of matched betting services, so now they provide all of the below:
Tutorial articles
Welcome offer step by step guides
Daily offers calendar
Software: OddsMatcher, Horse Racing Refunds, Tennis Refunds, range of calculators and spreadsheet
Forum
The advantage of OddsMonkey is the exceptional value. They have the best range of software and tools for matched betters to maximise their profits, are consistently bringing up new tools at no added cost. At only £15 per month it is one of the best options to consider.
The only disadvantage is the forum is not as busy as the next two options, ProfitAccumulator and Profit Maximiser. Though the forum is still a sufficiently active to ensure any questions have you are answered quickly.
 
Profit Accumulator (Link - Chazmer87's I don't have one | non)
Profit Accumulator charge £23 per month or £150 per year
Profit Accumulator helped to bring matched betting to the main stream with a highly active community. There are clear similarities between OddsMonkey and Profit Accumulator in terms of their high standard of software and offers.
The advantage of Profit Accumulator is their very active community. There is a great deal of advice in virtually every aspect of matched betting and the information is all well structured. Plus they have a very good offers coverage.
The only disadvantage to Profit Accumulator is the higher cost. The membership itself is £23 per month, plus their version of the Horse Racing Refunds software is £10 per month, or £115 a year. So in total you are paying £33 per month versus OddsMonkey’s £15 per month.
 
Profit Maximiser (Link | non)
Profit Maximiser is run by the original matched betting guru Mike Cruickshank.
Mike has been building software for matched betters for many years and has a very active Facebook Group.
Each piece of software is sold separately, I believe the below is accurate, each have their own £1 free trials:
Bonus Bagging £27 plus VAT - provides a list of all welcome offers and teaching (Link | non)
Profit Maximiser £97 plus VAT - provides all daily offers (Link | non)
Each Way Sniper £47 plus VAT - provides a horse racing betting system (Link)
Accumulator Generator £149 plus VAT - provides a football betting system (Link)
I believe Mike may have a couple more tools, if so I’ll edit this post if you could please comment / send me a message.
The advantage of Mike’s products is that there is no monthly recurring fee, so if you intend to do this for many months, it may work out profitable to do so. Plus from what I understand their Facebook Group finds some lucrative casino loophole offers faster than other matched betting providers.
The disadvantage of Mike’s products is that you have to buy each product separately rather than having it all within one simple account. Additionally, the total cost if you were to buy all 4 above listed products is £320 + VAT (total cost £384) whereas you could receive all these tools for £15 per month from Oddsmonkey. Having said that, Mike’s products do come with a £1 free trial, just be careful to cancel before the trial ends if you don’t want to continue.
Additional free matched betting sites include: Yes Bets link
Pure Profit link
 
ADDITIONAL
 
1) Depositing and withdrawing
To ensure you qualify for the Welcome Offer, use a bank card to deposit into your newly set up bookmaker account. Most sites will allow Paypal too though check the terms and conditions.
If you use Skrill or Neteller, typically you will not qualify for the Welcome Offer (bookmakers have this rule to prevent fraud) but you can check the terms and conditions.
Withdrawing is easy, you should receive your funds within 1-3 working days depending on the bookmaker.
 
2) Sending identification documents
Occasionally, bookmakers may require to send in identification documents (passport or drivers licence for example) and a copy of your bank card. This is to prevent fraud. This usually happens if you are not listed on the Electoral Roll or there is a difference between your home address and billing address. Simply take a photo of the documents they ask for and email them back.
 
THAT COMPLETES THE MEGA FAQ GUIDE TO MATCHED BETTING!
 
If you have any questions, comments or suggestions, please do post a comment thanks!
 
submitted by greenmachine9 to beermoneyuk [link] [comments]

/r/horseracing Official Cheltenham Festival Thread

As of writing this there is just under 17 days until the greatest horseracing festival on Earth. With 4 days and 35 races of the highest quality, the sub would be inundated unless we keep things central so use this thread for absolutely anything Cheltenham - news, previews, tips and - most importantly - debate!
For those who are unfamiliar, The Cheltenham Festival in held every March at Cheltenham Racecourse in Gloucestershire. The National Hunt season is mostly run with it in mind, as top trainers all desire even a single win at the jewel in the crown of jumps racing. The various graded races throughout are usually used as pointers towards graded races at the festival, for example a winner of the Tolworth Hurdle at Sandown in January will probably be high up in the market for the Supreme Novices Hurdle at the Festival. It consists of 4 days - Champion Day (Tue), Ladies Day (Wed), St Patricks Thursday and Gold Cup Day (Fri) and this year is held between the 11th and 15th of March
The Races
Each of the four days is centred around a Championship race:
The Champion Hurdle, The Queen Mother Champion Chase, The World Hurdle and The Cheltenham Gold Cup
The Champion Hurdle and Champion Chase are 2m races - the shortest distances in NH racing and are held on the Cheltenham Old Course as are all races on Tuesday and Wednesday.
The World Hurdle and Gold Cup are held over stayers distances of 3 miles and 3 miles 2 and a half furlongs respectively. They are raced on the New Course on Thursday and Friday.
Other races include Grade 1 novice chases and hurdles, big prize pot handicaps as well as handicaps for amateur riders, conditional jockeys and hunter chasers as well as a mares hurdle race and two races for juvenile hurdlers (4 year old horses).
The Stars
Perhaps one of the greatest appeals of National Hunt racing is the opportunity for horses to become household names due to the lengths of their careers. Unlike on the flat where stallions are carted off to stud after 2 or 3 years, most NH horses are geldings and usually aren't begun to be raced until they develop into their strongest frames between 5 and 9.
Festival heroes include Istabraq who is a three time winner of the Champion Hurdle. More recently, Hurricane Fly who is trained by Irish top trainer Willie Mullins won the 2011 and 2013 renewals of the race.
Just as we were blessed to watch the mighty Frankel in our lifetimes, there will surely be or have been very few who are better chasers than Sprinter Sacre. The Nicky Henderson Horse was undefeated over fences before having to pull up due to a heart condition this Christmas. Race fans will have their fingers crossed that he returns to full health in order to defend his title in the Champion Chase this year. American followers of NH racing were cheering home Flagship Uberalles during his racing career, and with silks like those they must have been ecstatic when he made up for his loss when favourite in the 2000 QMCC by winning the 2002 renewal.
No horse have ever been bred to win a World Hurdle is a saying in the NH world. Most horses that win were bred with the Gold Cup in mind but didn't take to chasing for whatever reason. Though a winner of the 2m4f novices chase at the Cheltenham Festival in 2008, Big Buck's was reverted to hurdles after unseating his rider in the Hennessey Gold Cup in the next season. This was rather fortuitous as it turned out as staying hurdlers go, he is an absolute machine. Until very recently he was undefeated in 18 runs, including 4 World Hurdles, 4 Liverpool Hurdles, 4 Long Distance Hurdles and 3 Long Walk Hurdles - all of which are Grade 1s. After missing most of the 2013 season due to injury, the 11 year old returned after a 400+ day absence for the 2014 Cleeve Hurdle during Festival Trials day where he lost his unbeaten record. This year promises to be a more competitive renewal than usual due to the apparent fragility of Big Buck's, though fingers crossed he can make it 5 wins.
The Gold Cup has been won by many beloved horses over the years - Arkle, Desert Orchid, Dawn Run. More recently Best Mate entered the hearts when winning his third successive Gold Cup. The image of his trainer Henrietta Knight embracing husband and former champion jockey Terry Biddlecombe at the post lives long in the memory - especially given the passing of Mr Biddlecombe at the beginning of this year.
Kauto Star is also a mutiple Gold Cup winner who retired in 2012. He had a famous rivalry with stablemate Denman who won the 2008 Gold Cup and whose career was blighted by a heart issue.
Another festival legend is Quevega who is on a massive unbeaten run herself. She has won the Mares Hurdle at the festival an impressive 5 times in a row as well as the World Series Hurdle at Punchestown in the same years.
Ones to Watch
This year, Hurricane Fly is having a crack at his third Champion Hurdle in order to emulate Istabraq. However it is certain that this year will be one of the most competitive renewals of the race. He faces International Hurdle winner The New One, Fighting Fifth Hurdle and Christmas Hurdle winner My Tent or Yours, Triumph Hurdle 2013 winner Our Conor, Hatton's Grace Hurdle winner Jezki and potentially Red Mills Trial Hurdle winner Un De Sceaux and unbeaten supermare Annie Power. This race is certain to be a fantastic showcase of hurdling and with any luck will be a fantastic spectacle.
With Sprinter Sacre out of most of the year and still not a certainty to run, the Champion Chase is certainly more open. The grade 1 preps for this race - the Tingle Creek, The Desert Orchid and the Clarence House Chases have been won in most impressive fashion by another speedy chaser Sire De Grugy. Even if Sprinter Sacre takes his chance he will have a difficult opponent to over come in SdG. Of the Irish horses, Willie Mullins trains Arvika Ligeonniere who won the Tied Cottage Chase at Punchestown in early February. The winner of the Paddy Power Dial-A-Bet this year at Leopardstown and 2013 Jewson Novices Chase at the festival Benefficient could also line up.
In the World Hurdle, Big Buck's will return but faces a tough task in order to win this race a fifth time. He faces 2013 festival winner At Fishers Cross who was one of the two who just beat him home in January but has jumped inconsistently this season. Annie Power could be the prime Irish threat if she races here rather than the Champion Hurdle. Another JP McManus (The striped green and gold silks) horse More of That represents an unexposed and very progressive threat in the line up. Other runners include 2013 Neptune runner up Rule The World who could end up being the only Irish threat if Annie Power doesn't line up. Reve de Silvola was disappointing in January having won the Long Walk in December but is usually a huge threat on soft ground.
Finally, the Gold Cup looks to be a match race between last years winner Bobs Worth who bounced back to illustrious form last time out in the Lexus Chase. His main rival is King George VI Chase winner Silviniaco Conti who fell in last years Gold Cup before giving his running. Though Gigginstown Studs main staying chaser Sir Des Champs is sidelined with injury, Last Instalment won the Irish Hennessey and will aim to cause an upset to the top two. Cue Card looked to have proved he could stay 3 miles when winning the Betfair Chase in November but seemed to run out of steam when 1 fence from home in the King George and looking very likely to win. He will have a task to stay the extra quarter mile as well as bettering Bobs Worth and Silviniaco Conti.
TL;DR Have fun over those 4 days. Best of luck with your bets. Comments below will be dedicated to each of the four days.
EDIT: Sorry the images on some won't load with RES - had to tinyURL to get within the character count
submitted by RichDavi to horseracing [link] [comments]

THE OFFICIAL RAP BATTLE ROYALE - Round one - Full Verses

These are the first completed verses of the tournament, and I think so far it's been a success! Break open the champagne everybody, we did it! Finally the representatives of each civ can rest for a bit, for now it is the judges turn. The judges will need to PM me their list of winners, and the rappers with the most votes will go through. 37 will become 16, so that means two things.
1) There will be no more byes and,
2) More people will go out this round than previously stated.
Without further ado, time to show the show!
A reminder of the battles:
•Chile(Atlas_Schmatlas) vs Incans (gagging4gags)
•Mayans (thetimelyspoon) vs Buccaneers (MillinerJones)
•Mexico (scully645)vs Texas (SabyZ)
•Blackfoot (Gresskarpai) vs France (ImperialismHo)
•Inuit (IAMA_MadEngineer_AMA) vs Iceland (Wigmaster999)
•Ireland (Blaiz1T) vs England (admiral_ifan)
•Norway (Nestourai) vs Sweden (Copse_Of_Trees)
•Germany (Lumen0602) vs Rome (TFCAliarcy)
•Poland (MaggotInBikini)vs Finland (twinsizewest)
•Sparta (CAPSSMOCK) vs Byzantium (Flarezap)
•USSR (not_enough_characte) vs Ayyubids (Luigiatl)
•Carthage (lol0star) vs Ethiopia (riskyrolf)
•Persia (JCPoly) vs Mughals (radster_x)
•Yakutia (Funhau5) vs Japan (Albinoredguard)
•Mongolia (wasgoodlilma) vs Tibet (Ossmosse)
•China (Protroid) vs Vietnam (SpookyWagons)
•Burma (EmeraldRange) vs Philipines (daniel14253)
•Kimberly (Steve_McKinnon)vs Australia (DecJ21)
•babylons(Mista_Ginger) get a week 1 bye
JUDGES:Mob_cleaner , Night_Man_ , TPangolin , silence_in_samarkand , Kropenfuer
Onwards to the show! oh wait, it seems the babylonians want to rap, even though they have a bye.
BABYLONS "DONT FUCK WITH ME" RAPS:
Even though I got a week one bye,
Thought I might spit verse for fun.
Let all the others know not to try,
Rap against Nebby, you're done.
Lyrics be nuclear like our subs,
Under ice we see you fight.
While you still fighting with spears and clubs,
Be too simple for rhymes I write.
Watch me win Babylon this battle,
I'll be king, call me Royale.
While you all sit and prattle,
I'll be chillin' at Nassau Canal.
In case you didn't hear,
Babylon gonna reiterate.
All you can kiss my rear,
0 out of 10 your raps I rate.
I take all challengers,
Got the battle in the bag.
Don't even need to try to win,
But you? Gag.
So come at me one and all.
Beating you will be a ball.
Got rhymes sharper than Spartan spears,
Already crushin' all my peers.
...
Watch me win Babylon this battle,
I'll be king, call me Royale.
While you all sit and prattle,
I'll be chillin' at Nassau Canal.
CHILE VS INCA:
Your name is gagging4gags, so here's a joke:
Who's only got 6 cities, and a pop that's broke?
Unlike your username suggests, here's to hoping you don't choke
-- Until the Chilean Renaissance when you're still livin' in Baroque!
No need to serve you, Pachacuti,
You're self-servin' like Tutti Frutti
Snipe your terrace farms for booty
O'Higgins, no scope, Call of Duty
Valparaiso should've been ominous,
Prepare for the red white and blue apocalypse
Fuck off Remus, this is Romulus
With failure you've become synonymous
First in military on the continent,
Wreaking havoc on your confidence
Combined with Eva and Brazil's incompetence
The only way we play is dominance.
Hey Chile nice start there - very mountainous,
I guess it's easy to defend but where's your growth?
Well we've got terrace farms but an annoying blot of blue,
So when we've finished feasting we'll grow off you.
Our expansions lookin' better no Colombia in game,
But your position with Argentina is looking quite the same.
Only this time they're lookin' angry and more strong,
I think they'll take your cities, doubt you'll prove me wrong.
Oh look what's that? Do I see Part 5?
Looks like we're gonna eat Brazil alive.
Generating more spots for our UI,
By the time we get to you you'll quickly die.
Your first rap must be some sort of Pre-Columbian artifice
What it lacks in length, it makes up for in artlessness
No food? Fucker we got the Temple of Artemis
As soon we start battle you're gonna wish for an armistice
I did some counting (without using a quipu, mind you)
You've got 25 combat units -- we've got 29 dude
Without including 20 triremes, oh shit, you're so screwed
You don't see our troops? Turn around and LOOK BEHIND YOU
You said you got terrace farms yet I haven't seen one,
Pachacuti's too busy making illegitimate sons?
Our cities unfortified 'cause we don't need 'em to be
Our empire already stretches from sea to shining sea
Eat all you want, 'cause we don't intend to build tall,
Lay off the food, and try and watch your mouth
Better send your bastard sons to man the wall,
'Cause in this part of the world winter comes from the south.
MAYANS VS BUCCANEERS
You think you got the high seas? I’ll put on your fuckin’ knees
You think you’ve got the land lead? I only see a desperate need
To spread your seed Make you into a gentile
And then I’ll defile Your precious canal
We’ll see who’s banal Build your terracotta army
But it ain’t gonna help Cuz Pacal is getting smarmy
You motha-buccin’ whelp When things are getting heady
Got atlatls ready. We gunnin’ for ya Henry
Coming straight from the Port of my plundering spree
We are the 12 sail terror of the Caribbean Sea
We do what we want because a pirate is free
The world's gonna fall to the b u double C
We gonna make the world crunk with our rum and distilleries
Gonna make the world burn with our ships and artillery
Gonna make it rain gold with our treasurer so glittery
Gonna make our opposition walk the plank-- literally
Well rattle your atalatals with our cannons & paddles
Cut you up like cattle win the battle
And take a victory ride through our canal at Panama
It's your apocalypse now, start retirement planning brah.
Congrats! Your first verse! You can make words rhyme!
But you can't retaliate for four hundred year's time!
Yeah you used your great writer It wasn't an exciter
now my fighters Have invaded, burn your palace with a lighter!
I saw your first verse full of land lubber blubber
And I've seen better shit from my poop deck scrubber!
So don't make plans, leave yo calendars blank
Cuz the B-U-double-C's gonna Make you walk the plank!
TEXAS VS MEXICO:
Hey, is that the sound of armies running away?
Well it must be the Mexicans getting bored today!
Let me tell y’all what will happen when you take a rash action
against the Lone-star faction, you get a reaction
that y’all just didn’t expect! We crushed your friends in the east,
but they tried at least but you cannot compete against Sam Houston’s Elite!
You’re next, so before you get wrecked,
y’all better show Texas some respect!
We’ve got Baltimore, Lincoln has lost your war,
but don’t be so quick to rush out the door
so I can make sure y’all get the arrows that y’all paid for!
So have your fun while I finish my steak brisket,
But if y’all want Austin, come and take it!
Benito – you’re too slow,
couldn’t get a good verse so I got another go!
No way you’ll win when y’all can’t repeat the Alamo!
Now go! Run back to your walls,
y’all have no balls, this is where Mexico falls
turn your land in to malls and shit on your legacy!
I need no glitches to put y’all in your ditches
then relax with my bitches on the gulf,
it’s my destiny!
I’m a cowboy, I destroy
stoppin’ invaders is what I enjoy
and so your little ploy ain’t impressin’ me
This is Battle Royale MAKK TWO!
The only loser here IS YOU!
And the when your empire falls and history calls,
the last leader standing will be SAMMY HOU!
BLACKFOOT VS FRANCE
I thought I was gonna rap against the sioux
But no, out of all people i ended up with YOU
Napoleon, famous for being a gnome
Too bad you can’t beat anyone else than Rome
Yeah, run away with your wine and your baguettes
Or else I WILL make sure you’ll have regrets
You want an empire? You’ll have to change yo’ plans
Soon you’ll see black feet all over yo’ lands
Just waiting for the world congress to convene
We’ll make you relive the 18th of June 1815
You know your new city, Neapolis?
Ain’t gonna be long before it’s a fuckin’ necropolis
I’ll do to you what the germans did to Lorraine and Alsace
Next part, to see your empire, you’ll need a magnifying glass!
Yeah, I see you there, Napoleon, trying to abscond
Just admit that you’re way too scared to respond
Just hang around I’ll tell you a story-
But only if you hand me the Louisiana territory!
Once upon a time you ended up on an island
But I’ll never let you come into my land
Yeah there ain’t a single way you can escape
You’ll have plenty of time to eat your thousand-layered Crepe
You guessed it, it’s time for your annihilation
French as you are; immediate capitulation
Make your way for the Blackfoot confederation
We’ll show you how to win a game of Civilization
Hint hint: It involves radiation!
INUIT VS ICELAND
I am Ingolfur Arnarson, leader of the Icelandic vikings
And I’m afraid that my appearance here bodes you some ill tidings
You’d better run and hide in an igloo, pathetic Ekheunik,
‘Cause I might be drinking from your skull at my next Icelandic picnic!
You can’t beat an Icelander at a glorious rap battle
Our UA’s geared towards Great Writing, so spare me all your prattle
Let’s face it, your civ’s basically just the Sioux’s little brother
Compare a rag-tag bunch of seal hunters to me? I’m a Viking warrior!
When you try to cross from the mainland, you’ll meet my longboat fleet
If you forward-settling bastards settle Greenland, you’ll be facing defeat
I believe it’s time for you seal-hunters to cede the lands of snow to us
Or we’ll take them by force and you’ll run away in fear, wuss
The only reason I can conceive that I won’t win this fray
Is if the Sioux get to you first and whip you anyway
Waddup, Iceland, ya gonna get beat
cause you be fucking with the true kings of the ice sheet.
This battles gonna end in our reykjavik-tory.
Your thingstead? Yo your things dead,
our rhymes are straight fire we skalding you,
So we think it's time that you inuksuk our dicks
If crouchin' in on my borders is what I feel Ima club u bitch,
just like a fuckin' seal. You think you come from the land of Ice and Snow?
All you know is how to blow!
Descendants of a Viking King
Destined to become My Bottom Bitch Queen
You came to my land once, tryin' to expand
I bitch slapped you, knocked you down, with my righthand
Selfish, you threw a fit, chickened out, it was neat
It's nice and warm there with those volcanoes for heat
But I will kindle my fires with your peoples feet
Your name is Bullshit, A lie, Deceit
Ingólfr Arnarson ([ˈiŋkoulvʏr̥ ˈartnar̥sɔn])[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Help:IPA_for_Icelandic]
You'll be kissing OurOwnAsses-son
Ingolfur Kissing-your-asses-son?
More like Engulfing Armies-now-son!
Oh, you made me sad, it’s enough to make a grown man cry ;-;
It’s so sad that your rhymes are so pitiful, but I guess, you tried :P
I’m afraid, tiny child, that the #Inuitcan’twinit this time
Since your rapping and rhyming’s so bad that it’s nearly a crime
I mean, look at your rhythm, the beat is bordering insanity
And even then, the only words you use are just so much profanity!
The only thing to save your civ is your massive fanbase
But even those biased fanboys won’t be your saving grace
That’s right, flee in terror from the fleet of Iceland
It’s a shame that my Viking fleet moves fast as the north wind
Even in your own rap you can’t stop yakking about seals
But those blubber-beasts won’t do you no good, get real!
My warriors’ whirling axes make the speed of light wish that it was faster
So please remember as I crush you that Iceland is everybody’s master
I would have killed you last except we’re adjacent alphabetically
So I guess I’ll just kill you first, and look on you sympathetically
Our skaldin raps will melt your icecaps Ingolf your land,
your knecks hanging by a strand
Your homeland volcanic like our raps satanic
We're an iceberg and youre about to go titanic
We'll spit and roast you like souvlaki
man your rhymes are so tacky to beat us you gonna have to get laki
we wear fur coats when we sink your boats
Our ice sheet fleet just cant be beat
You're nothing we confuse you for a store of frozen foods
we live in igloos youre all a load of poos
Iceland? Master? Gonna have to blast you faster
Less land and less population? All a sign of an inferior ice-nation
The Sioux don't threaten us So beat them we will
Then youre gonna have to Blackfoot the bill
Your cities have such stupid names We'll kill,
crush and maim Ingolfur Arnarson, Our raps are arson
Your viking navy not gonna be your saviour
So its time we beat you back to Scandinavia
IRELAND VS ENGLAND
Battle against Ireland? Shit, only one way to go
make a few- well, loads- of jokes about potatoes
You'll be in trouble when my guns are in Dublin
wipe off that smug grin, my subs'll have you unsubbing.
Your rhymes are weak, the famine's hit your brain,
you're not Battle Royale, you're the Hunger Games.
Your army's tame, mine is high and mighty,
making you flighty, straight outta Blighty,
you gonna strike me? I'm asking politely
before I come from York to Cork, fighting
knick knack paddy whack, sipping my tea,
Right after Germany I'll raze your cities,
Now I'm nearly finished, so finish your Guinness,
or whatever piss it is they drink in Limerick
And thank St Patrick, tomorrow's has-been
for all the land I'll take for God and the Queen.
Oh what country is this, England, barely a rival to great Éire,
Are you taking the piss? The Atlantic, not enough to stop our fire,
This marks the end of your empire, Which already leaves nothing of desire,
So what happened to your sun, Seems to have set,
Your own title, You'll need more than your queen, To have it met.
I hear you crying, don't worry pet,
Your nation will be finished quickly, For the love of God don't get upset
Clearly my last verse has got you frantic,
Think Eire's the empire of the Atlantic?,
You're not fire, shit's a pyre, time to panic,
You're going down faster than the Titanic,
Time for England, once more into the breach,
I'll slaughter in Waterford with my Triremes,
So many soldiers I could whip you easily,
You've just got a scout stuck in Mississippi,
You're even more fucked than your economy,
Verses like your potatoes, they so diseased,
But don't worry, soon you'll all be deceased,
cause you fuccbois more than a catholic priest,
Come on then, fuck with the English horde,
We could do with practising on little Leprechauns,
I got so many weapons ready in my forge,
To bitch slap you, for Harry, England and St George.
Grand, now I have to survive another round of your patriotic blabberin',
You're talk of submarines and your gunning machines have nothing to leave me sobbin',
What your queen and country is fit for is nothing more than a clobberin',
No wonder you're already at war, you seem to have not taken the hint,
The second one of your gunmen gets into a fight, poor fella will go off into a sprint,
Go on, mate, have your fucking tea and cake while you can,
Your soldiers can barely get a shot on a stray man, let alone an entire clan,
I'm sure our whole country would rather starve, than bother meeting a hun,
The one time they did, your petty "warriors" were drastically outdone,
Good luck with defending your puny colony of Hastings, and your untimely death by Nazi,
I can't be bothered with even tastings of your shithole called London, your "city" deserves little paparazzi,
Bet you're glad our war hasn't started yet, since your homes will become the result of a Japanese kamikaze,
You're finished before you even started, yet I know one thing-full hearted, you rotting twig,
Wellington didn't belong in a stable of strong horses, he's a fucking pig,
NORWAY VS SWEDEN
Okay y’all… We’re here in Northern Europe for MKII
And I know the fans are hating on me and on you
Now why the distain? It ain’t no mystery
Here in Civilization, fans love their history
Yo, school’s in session (school bell)
Class, today’s subject is TPang’s Battle Royale, MK I (sit up straight Mr. Kropenfuer)
Back then everyone was pissed about Mess-opotamia
Norway was sitting pretty, alone in Scandenavia
Shoulda' been a cinch! You had the whole peninsula
But you barely made war and you kept so insula’
So when Stalin burned Oslo you EARNED the name Snoreway
And now we’ve all been forced into a Nordic 4-way
I mean it figures, you’re just some two-bit mod
I’m a prime Firaxis, a diplomatic god
I’ve got a shit UA and shit UU
And I still took Eidsvoll away from you
This is Norway! The axe-wielding lion of the North
Come to foray, on rap battlefield to sally forth
Now that Round One is here, we see through Swedish veneer
And your tears make it clear that we are your worst fear
What’s that in your ears? Sounds like an army of cheers
For we’ve lined your frontiers with a carpet of spears!
Your homeland lays empty; not even a boat
Like your underwrote Vasa, your hype just won’t float
D’you see the ranked vote? Gus, you’ve been demote!
Ain’t much of a gloat to peg your chances: remote!
The one question left now is who’ll make the most gains
See, Hitler and Poland and Finland have laid claims
But this is our moment to claim your domains, for
Our banner maintains: Your losses? Our gains!
Once we take Stockholm, we’ll party; a gala —
And ‘till then, Norwegians will fight to Valhalla!
GERMANY VS ROME
Oh my you've made a mess of things,
I'll listen to you rhymes as they ping,
off my legions Segmentata,
whilst we conquer you lands we call Germania,
my empire inspired you Russia and The Ottomans,
and the French but we don't want your amends,
the Republic owned the Mediterranean,
whilst you couldn't even hit Britain,
Italy created your policy of Fascism,
but your people clearly study absurdism,
you might think your Panzers will scare me,
but I rap faster than a bullet to the knee,
your role model for nationalism is Arminius,
shall I introduce you to my Grand Nephew Germanicus,
you can bring Beethoven and Mozart,
but in a fight they'd be as useless as a fart,
as I am Imperator Caesar Divi Filius Augustus,
whilst your own gun brought you to justice,
now I am a known as man of means,
so I'll crucify you and your Nazis across the Alpennes.
POLAND VS FINLAND
Hey Poland, what's up homie
You should hear the shit that Stalin
told me Told me bout your stuggles in settling cities
and that you can't forward settle Germany
Ya gonna get eliminated that's for sure
Got four better civs, knocking at your door
The only balls ya got are comics
gonna disappear like the supersonics
we dealing with the nazis and Huns but they can bite us
while you're getting fucked by Leonidas
Falling through the rankings part after part
Folks jumping on the bandwagon now they falling off the cart
We be screaming Hakkaa päälle
Best that you get out of our way
Run back to Hitler no time to delay
Polish eagle ain't no bird of prey
Casimir is too busy being STRONK to reply.
SPARTA VS BYZANTIUM
My schedule's pretty tight right now, but I'll try to pen you in
Got dinner plans laid out for me in Rome, Warsaw and Berlin.
But when I have some time to kill I'll crush you like your kin
Cuz everyone knows King Leo is the only Royal you're gonna win!
I'll pwn you purple poser, when at war I'm a composer
Molon labe with your mother while I loot Constantinople
Verses purer than an opal with more vision than a Jew
Just ask the mighty legions of rappers than I've slew
You are weak, both mind and body, Rap or spear I'll run you through,
What more can I say? Even the Champa have pointier sticks than you.
Nice rhymes, Leo, now to put you in the trash,
aint nothing that can compete with Alexios’ raps.
You’re not special, you’re a glorified barbarian,
and you can’t beat me,
this empire stretches from Cyprus to the CCCP!
You’ve been in more wars than anyone else,
yet you got no cities to display on your shelf!
You fought against Rome, and that was just fine,
EXCEPT A POLISH SCOUT STOPPED YOUR ‘HELL DINE’!
Now listen up Leo, and listen up good,
your city Sparta? Ha, what a joke.
Everything you did? I’m the motherfucker that perfected it.
Come to war with me and my people be cheering,
I’ll be pumping out spearmen, Byzantium be leering,
victory is nearing.
Now if you’re gonna come to war with me, look out for a hunchback snitch,
unless you wanna die. DEUS VULT, bitch.
USSR VS AYYUBIDS
STRAIGHT OUTTA MOSCOW CRAZY COMMIE NAMED U/NOT_ENOUGH_CHARACTE
FROM A GANG CALLED THE BOLSHEVIK PARTY
EGYPT IS ON THE HIT LIST LIST FOR LENIN'S TEAM
CALL THAT SHIT A PYRAMID SCHEME
ALREADY ON YOUR BORDER, IGNORING ANY PLEA
WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S CALLED THE RED SEA?
SHOOTING UP SULTANS IN MARX'S NAME
HE'S GOT THE MOST GANGSTA CLIQUE IN THIS GAME
ONE OF US IS A SLAVE, THE OTHER A SLAV
NOW HAVE A TASTE OF MY MOLOTOV
SOON OVER SINAI WE'LL WAVE THE RED FLAG
WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME IN THE GULAG!
Do you know what you’re getting yourself into?
We’re not just some nation coming out of the blue.
We’re the proud, strong Ayyubid nation,
While the man who died of a nosebleed is giving you some forceful liberation.
We own a mountain important to everyone from the Jews to the people that are Coptic,
While your nation struggles to develop an arrow or an optic.
Our cities are known worldwide as the cities for trade and growth,
While if you said the same you’d be lying under oath.
We’re the pinnacle of the lands of North Africa,
While your ranking is worse than every single civ of North and South America.
You’ve probably had quite a bit more than one too many booze,
And tales of your incompetence and crudeness are told from Sydney to Santa Cruz.
It’s getting quite obvious who the real winner is here,
And it’s not the one here ranked on the bottom tier.
It seems that your lines are simply incorrect,
Since your citizens are shown such neglect.
You let your people fall to the hordes of the east,
Letting them be prepared for a Hunnic feast.
You think we’re going to one of your prison camps,
Then clearly your nation is run by a group of scamps.
We’re in the top third of the nations unlike your “motherland”,
Which managed to be ranked worse than Ireland.
You have no military, no science, no money-
And at this point your situation’s just funny.
We’ll burn your “new” Leningrad to the ground,
And this time you won’t rebound.
The people who are the slaves are the ones in the Soviet Union,
And the Huns would like a little reunion.
CARTHAGE VS ETHIOPIA
Look at the elephant, trying to face off against the lion
You’re historically and battle royally as big a threat as the Hawaiians
In our corner we got god incarnate Haile Selassie!
Shooting up shit with his archer carpets and Mehal Sefari
As fast as Tpang builds hype and throws shrimps on his barbie
He’s one bad ass emperor, the fucking Lion of Judah!
Everybody knows him, from Sydney to Berlin and even Tortuga
What’s your leader famous for? Cuz I’m not quite sure
That riding some elephants over some hills and then not taking Rome
And exiling himself from home Is quite cause for celebration
Trying to encourage participation? You’re pathetic,
we’ll be kind and quickly storm your capital
You’re gonna lose even more cities than fucking Br1 Hannibal!
The year is 20 sixty 5, down the valley old Hannibal flies
We staunched the ashanti of ejura,
a curse we were in the Drumroll war. Hannibal is literally the ice cube of Africa
Beating women in conquered cities creating a massacre
He may be intellectually bankrupt but he makes it up with the sword
Ambitious and dreamy He’ll send the ashanti skyward
He’ll turkey slap Ethiopia with his morning wood
And they’ll take it like how blacks take police brutality in he hood
We may be the Turtle of Africa’s west
But we get harbours in every city fuck yeah we’re the best
I forget how generic haile Selassie really is
He’s an autist, his only lover is his wrist
His parents probably think he’s a waste of jizz
And I end it here, carthage is open for business!
You talk big for someone that couldn’t handle an imperial power
Carthage ain’t on no maps, nothing but salt, not even a flower
Should have seen us at Adwa, if you wanted to know how to fight an Italian
Ethiopia’s as independent as a feminist Battalion
What’s wrong, need your elephant give you a kiss?
Are you still sad about what happened at Hippo Regius?
Look at you getting your ass whooped by fools worshiping a Golden Stool
Do we need to get over there and take you back to civ School?
Because you’re nothing but glorified elephant drivers Ethiopians are survivors,
thrivers, modernizers and decolonizers
So spread the word, lock up, lights out, tell your elephants goodnight
Because the Lion of Judah is about to take his first bite!
PERSIA VS MUGHALS
Good Job, you guys took a city, But only in part 4.
Truthfully told, you Mughals just really make me snore.
You're rated high in the rankings, but the Persians don't really care.
To you we say salaam kqarsalu,In english, "hello, fat bear."
Theres only one powerful civ here, Its most definitely us, son,
'cause before you can upgrade your spearmen to pikes, we'll be out there shooting our guns.
PERSIA? WHAT A JOKE! ONE OF THE WEAKEST PLAYERS!
CAN'T EVEN GET THEIR ARMY TO THE HIMA-FUCKIN'-LAYAS!
ACHAEMENID EMPIRE? BULLSHIT YOU WAAAAAY UNDER PAR!
YOU'RE EVEN TURTLING HARDER THAN MYAN-FUCKING-MAR!
ITS A WELL KNOWN FACT WE GOT A GAME WINNING STRATEGY,
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ACCEPT YOUR EMPIRES A COMPLETE UTTER TRAGEDY?
YOU'LL BE MAIMED, ENSLAVED, ET-CET-ER-RA!
BET CHU KNOW WHATS COMING NEXT! - DEATH TO PERSIA!
Hey Nice Rap bro, did ya have to yell so loud?
In case you haven't noticed, you're in the middle of a crowd.
I think you'll peak early then fall flat on your face
leaving plenty of room for the persian master race.
Just cuz were under par doesn't mean we have no potential
if you look under the surface, our power is torrential!
We bide our time, just turtling in the shadows,
you have less a chance to win as finding El Dorado.
We'll make an impact in the world,
you'll definitely feel our presence,
darius raised an empire,
while you were brought down to peasants.
We were brought here for a purpose,
no question we'll deliver,
Cuz our flows so cold,
EVEN THE INUIT SHIVER.
From Afghanistan to Hindustan, to PK in between,
We're a cultural powerhouse that'll end your Persian dream.
You're up against a real superpower, it's really quite sad,
We'll stream-roll you worse than the Mongols sacking Baghdad! (backing voice then quickly shouts in the background "U MAAAAD?"
Your golden age will run flat, as soon as our armies attack,
Prepare to watch Persepolis go from golden to ash black.
Better learn how to read a dictionary, go look up assimilation,
It's only a matter of time before your lands are part of our nation
Even your women deserted you, they really loved our dope saris,
They even became our queens...d'ya even remember Mumtaz and Kandahari?
Oh wait I forgot...Y'all were all hiding in a satraps court! ,
While Akbar be banging all your Persian bitches down in his red fort!
Once we've stormed your palace, you'll surrender and plea,
Best pray that we don't sanction you even worse than Khomeini
(insert OOOOoooooooo! Here)
YAKUTIA VS JAPAN
Alright, cut me some slack because I don't do this ever,
But, Japan, you're in the midst of a depressing endeavor.
If, maybe, you stayed loyal to Oda Nobunaga,
You wouldn't be so boring in Part 4 of your saga.
You're trying to compete for the most pointiest sticks,
But you only seem to have the most littlest dicks.
You're tactics are whack, and you're proving to be useless,
Quit turtling, you coward, and do something ruthless.
You "shot up the Power Rankings like a Tianjin blast,"
Well, I'm sorry, but that's just Part 2 in the past,
And it's a shame, because I like that your start bias is coast,
But your performance, so far, has been nothing to boast.
Do us all a favor, and send some units to Seoul,
So we can all stop thinking you're a worthless asshole.
But if I ever see you make your way up to the tundra,
Just know that you're not gonna have any fundra.
Albinoredguard, why are you making this easy?
You didn't submit a verse. Are you trying to tease me?
For that, you should be given an automatic DQ,
But, first, I have some things I'd to like to say to you.
Your flair? Just dump it. You obviously don't want it.
You're lazier than a pothead who just took his eighth blunt hit.
You acted like a clown, except you made your whole team frown,
And, when they see you around, you're gonna get a beat down.
"But I'm sorry! Forgive me! I have an excuse!"
Were you busy letting someone pound your butt hole loose?
I heard Yakutia's Funhau5 is hung like a moose,
Which is why you're gonna struggle passing your next deuce.
I have nothing bad to say about your Emperor Meiji,
He did nothing to induce this atomic, verbal wedgie.
So here are 16 lines that only you deserve.
Remember this as the day your fucking whack ass got served.
MONGOLIA VS TIBET
Spiritual- my soul is free like Tibet
Dalai Lama reaps my advice and respect
Unlike Genghis Khan "villainy n death"
This pale blue spot not just a skin defect
You're horde's nothing but a band of whores
I got plenty of Condoms- this means war
I can't be stopped, I'm the reincarnate
Your swords strict but you betta get ya bars straight
I'm all about the peace, in the far east
I'll blow you away like a Himalayan breeze
Maximize all my religious beliefs
You're eyes burn from the holiness that is ME
This advice to you should not go unstored
Too many wars n whores can make a mind bored
Another turn You must grow- shed the sword
Or your nation will drop just like ya jaw
(you can listen to a recorded version here!)
I'm the great khan of the mongol hordes
I crush foreign lords, clash swords, we go to war
I want more, a roar of a battle cry
temujin flies up in the sky
with air strikes no matter the era, the fuck did you hear?
that genghis keshiks fuck you from the rear?
I roll through with catapults, landships to nukes
but my nomad blood keeps me close to my roots
like I won't let city states stand like my clan
eliminates bitches from kiev to yuan
my battle plan revolves around your destruction
my civ's influx of cities grant no fucks son
I'm a grandmaster of war, no denial
your basic monks stand no chance of survival
and when I die boy, your city burns
I stand by and fortify my troops, 10HP per turn
(You can listen to a recorded version here!)
You're mind's too caught up on war and fights man
Like a 4 year old who just learnt of violence
Grow the FUCK up, put down your Vicodin
It's time for bed, don't you still need a night light Gen?
A right end, KARMA will cut your life short
I see you shat your pants- Yakutsk's got ya hurt
I can see your future- insert burnt yurts
You'll live in poverty a palace of dirt
Genghis Khan a once great warrior lord
Genghis Khan a cunt to be quartered and drawn
I vent this par as I must stop your spawn
So shut the fuck up like I shut down this song
Yeah you could call me a pacifist
No need to pass a fist, I got my words for this
I'd rape your spirit once your life's been pissed
But you'd enjoy it too much you masochist
Jaw dropping? lets be honest that's the least of your problems
your weak prohpets are nothing, I leave no sign of stopping
just try and step up to the steppe, meet keshik arrows
you call yourself holy, well you're hole-y now bro
villainy and death? you're goddamn right
it's my goddamn right, to end your goddamn life
you bring your condoms along, but you're not my type
burn you like ancient tinder, imma leftward swipe
you get bored of war? I guess you don't have the stomach
you cower away in your temples, afraid to leave the summit
while your population plummets since i can never resist
to raid your little nation, complacent and sumbmissive
So you lay your bars down and you think that you're smart
but imma bring this rap "battle" right back to the start
who give's a damn about the fuckin dalai lamas respect?
because even in the future you're just china's pet
CHINA VS VIETNAM
TIME TO STRIDE BACK INTO SOUTHEAST ASIA
LOOKIN' A LITTLE ROUGH I'LL CURE WHAT AILS YA
ARRIVE IN THIS SHIT LIKE I DROP NAPALM BOMBS
BEEN A ROUGH THOUSAND YEARS FOR THE KINGDOM OF NAM
BETTER OFF AS MY COLONY WASN'T THAT COOL?
TURN MY BACK FOR TWO SECONDS AND YOU UNDER FRENCH RULE!
YOU FLOW SLOW, SPIT SOFT YOUR RHYMES JUST AIN'T STRONG
YOU SURE AIN'T A KING MORE LIKE A DONKEY CONG!
YOU STAND THERE HAUGHTY
ACTING LIKE YOU WAS JAPAN
WHILE YOUR ENTIRE CULTURE
WAS SHAPED BY MY HANS
I THINK I SHOULD CALL IT
YOU'RE LOOKIN' KIND OF BEAT
JUST GOT ONE MORE BURN IN ME
THEN MY VICTORY'S COMPLETE
IT'S THE GREATEST CHALLENGE
FOR THIS SICK-SPITTIN' RHYMESMITH
TURNS OUT THERE AIN'T NOTHING
THAT AGENT ORANGE RHYMES WITH!
IF YOU WANNA BATTLE US YOU'LL FIND
MAO JUST TOO LEGIT
YOU CHOSE THE WRONG SIDE
OF THE SINO-SOVIET SPLIT
BURMA VS PHILIPINES
Oh look, it's Burma, wanting to fight us on demand
To be honest, the world thinks of you as West Thailand
You had a useless war against Champa, that's a shame
But then again, you Indochinese all look the same
The 'Pagan Empire' founded Buddhism? Bunch of whacks
We'd rather follow the other with hookers and yaks
You say of the wrath of Anawrahta: "It's cool, it rocks"
We guess you're compensating for your little peacocks
Face it, Burma, you don't stand a chance against us now
Might as well run to your real capital Naypyitaw
The Philippines will bring the End of Your Strife (straight to Rangoon!)
Kaba Ma Kyei? Too bad, it starts with your life (with our typhoon!)
We'll await your return and feeble comeback, Burma
We hope you brought cold water, because we just burned ya!
While Rizal was pooping propaganda about freedom and oppression
Anawratha reformed religion, marking out a brand new nation
Infrastructure built with patience, intensive agricult'ral changes!
So see if you can cross our triple mountain ranges!
We've both built canals, but yours is in your capital
One measly hypertyphoon and you're outta this battle
Your start was so bad Tpang had to give you buffs
The result of Rizal's resolve was simply not enough
Got colonised twice and lost your surname identities
Can't keep your islands from your Chinese enemies
What's wrong with you?! Ya like the most eastern Western country!
Why don't you come visit Burma to see an Asian society?
We have generals who conquered all of Indochina!
You're on an stupid puny island so I'm gonna remind ya
You need to conquer people to win the Battle Royale
There's no way you're ever gonna win with that morale
So I heard your rap, it's entirely a hit-and-miss!
You fail to see what we've mastered in your previous diss!
Spitting shite, agriculture? I'll show you Banaue!
UNESCO Site, making Incans run for their money!
Magellan dared to come with guns and ships at his command;
We impaled that motherfucker for coming to our land!
You've seen the BR update? Your military's trapped tight!
Your empire's ready to taste, Tibet wants a fucking bite!
Let's be real, Afghanistan's the one that'll hit you hard;
Now we all know who is the first empire in the graveyard!
You couldn't hurt the Champa, war's never your thing anyway;
And what you couldn't defend is your settler in Mandalay!
Myanmar, can't handle me-an'-more of these bars, it's a pathetic and pitiful way to lose!
In BR, even when you got into two wars, your UA and UU won't ever be used!
With your dropping and turtling, where now is your leader general?
Gotta go fast, you poor thing, before I crush you like emerald!
Ha! You better switch your style cuz we're a cultural-phile
Burma getting Great Writers when I conquer!
Now I dunno if you know, but my raps so dope
I technically am Burma's Great Writer!
How much more Western can an eastern country get?
I mean your name's Daniel and you got a wierd accent.
While the Philippines did nothing, we warred against the Champa
I mean your nation's looking weak like a 130-year old Grampa.
No one can spell the name of your country. (Kantot!)
So come give Burma investment money! (We're hot!)
And I kid you not that I'll spend it all like a stereotypical Burmese!
Seriously, dude, you need some emotion
Don't you know the hype train's in motion?
this Burma's burning with counter-isolation!
You can't just put on some burnblocking lotion
KIMBERLEY VS AUSTRALIA
First of all - let me introduce myself I’m the badass muh-fucker From south of ya’ll Jandamarra, he’ll track ya down Put a spear through your leg And a hole in your crown Now Australia – I know you think you’re tough And compared to some, yah you might be rough But I was born to this Bred to this The outback is where I fucking bled for this So come now Australia, It’s time to settle the score For Terra Nullius don’t apply here anymore.
submitted by Mob_cleaner to civbattleroyale [link] [comments]

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